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Something to look forward to

I am not sure when it happened, but there’s been a shift again.  This morning, I feel it more than ever.

Yes it has something to do with turning 50 in a couple of days. But, that’s not all of it.

The shift has to do with de-junkifying my life.

Taking a hard look at who’s in it, and who’s not. Thinking about what I’m doing, how I’m spending my days and who I’m spending them with.

Removing the naysayers, peeling away the negative Nancy’s and resisting the urge to fill up the friendship cupboard with more of the same.

It started with Facebook, with a few relatives who tend to make snarpy comments and/or comment on my commenting.  Whatever.  I started out meekly, like a playground survivor, quietly hiding them from my posts and page. Today I took control and hit the “unfriend” button.

I can’t tell you how liberating that feels.

I used my own logic:  Friends don’t act like this. Not anyone I want to be friends with anyways.

Deleted – done – gone — ahhh.

It’s happened in our personal life, too.

I’ve said no to things I don’t want to do. I’ve stopped doing for everyone.

I’ve.  Just. Stopped.

It’s not about getting older and being tired and losing interest. It’s about getting older and realizing I am interested and interesting and that I don’t  have to do it all to be loved.

I don’t have to justify who I am or wonder if someone likes me for me and not just what I will do for them.

I like me for me and finally, finally, that’s enough.

Life. It’s something to look forward to.

“I like who I am now. Other people may not. I’m comfortable. I feel freer now. I don’t want growing older to matter to me.” ― Meryl Streep

Have you ever experienced a shift like this?

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Categories: Uncategorized, Life Lessons, Random observations, Attitude, Relationships, Life, Confidence at any age, Family, Personal, Faith, Beauty, Joy, Growth, fear | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 22 Comments

The fear of the fear

I read a passage recently that really resonated with me. Loosely translated it reads that, “everyone has some type of post-traumatic stress, but many of us suffer from pre traumatic stress.” What is that?  The fear of a fear. We fear something that hasn’t even happened yet and may not ever happen to us.

When you think of all the things you accomplish regularly and how you manage challenges that show up in your life, doesn’t it make you wonder why we have such fears?   Think about it: most of the stuff we worry never comes true anyways.   I’ll forget. I’ll look stupid. They’ll laugh at me. I won’t know what to do.

I thought back to a former boss’ stories about attending community meetings and nearly being run out-of-town “on a rail.”  He was there representing the company we work for and, at that time, we weren’t thought of very highly. He talked of getting into red-faced shouting matches with officials.  Now, bear in mind,  I never experienced what he went through but, along the way, I picked up on his anxiety .. and carried it with me.  I listened to his stories in horror and developed a healthy fear of that happening to me. I developed … a fear of the fear.

After reading that quote earlier this week,  it dawned on me that, in my new job, I’m doing a lot of speaking in front of community officials. Guess what? I’m doing just fine.  Some talks have been delicate and some have been challenging but all have been professional.  There’s been no rails to be found anywhere.

I had no idea,  until I read that passage, that I’d developed a fear of the fear.   Unwittingly, new experiences have let me through most of it. Yes, I still feel a tug when asked to meet with certain groups, especially if a contentious history is known, but every time I do so, I get a little better and that gives me confidence to step past the fear.

Interesting stuff we do to ourselves.

Have you ever developed a fear of a fear? Do tell.

Some days I'm the mouse, other days the cat!

Some days I’m the mouse, other days I’m the cat!

“Of all the liars in the world, sometimes the worst are our own fears.”
― Rudyard Kipling, The Collected Works

Categories: Confidence at any age, Faith, fear, Growth, Home, Life, Personal, Relationships, Self Discovery, Thoughts, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | 25 Comments

on Communicating

Most of the time,  Hubbs and I communicate pretty well.

He’s a planner, even more so than me. It’s the Virgo in him.  You can set your watch to this guy.

He’s the one who taught me to speak up about where I’m going and what I’m up to and what time you can expect me to be somewhere.  Being a Gemini, I’d never much considered telling anyone all that. But, as we dated, I seemed to have a knack for frustrating him. If he said “let’s meet at such and such place at this time” he’d be there. Early. Every time.  Not so with me. I’d be there, on time, or shortly thereafter. I’d see him look at his watch and sigh and give me the look.   Quite honestly, it was annoying.

It took me a few years to understand that when I stopped at the grocery store on my way home from work without saying anything ahead of time, that action caused him anxiety. I thought he was ridiculous. He thought I was uncaring.

It took him explaining the knot he got in his stomach when I wasn’t where he thought I’d be. It took him referencing his brother’s sudden death for me to understand that my actions were actually causing him pain. When I wasn’t where I said I’d be, his first thought, his first instinct, was that I was lost to him … forever.

Geez that’s heavy stuff.

But in the 22 years we’ve known each other, I’ve grown.  I’ve learned to communicate proactively, to share my plans because someone else cares to know. I’ve learned that speaking up doesn’t mean surrendering a part of me, it means caring for another, too.

But even after all that, we still have our moments when I think we’re talking two different  languages.

I’m all about words, kinda obvious, since I write a blog. :)

He’s a quieter guy who doesn’t always want to talk.

I can talk about anything and often do.

He relishes silence.

So the other day when he commented about “having to clean out the dryer lint drawer cause no one else ever does” what I heard was “you’re an inept housekeeper and whatever you do will never be good enough for me.”

That’s not what he said, but that is what I heard.

And that’s when the snarping started.

I understand now what he was really saying: See me.

I understand now what I was really saying: See me.

Later today, I’m heading out to run a few errands. The 9-year-old in me doesn’t want to tell anyone where she’s off to.  The woman in me commented on the amazingly clean lint drawer and referenced stops at the dry cleaners and gas station.

# # #

How do you and your loves communicate?  Has it changed over time?

“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.”
― C. JoyBell C.

related – Virgo and the Circus

Categories: Attitude, Faith, Family, Life, Men, Personal, Relationships, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , | 25 Comments

Till next time

Well, they’ve come and they’ve gone.

My Mom, Sister and I had 6 full days together. Add in Hubbs, the boys, grand kids, good friends + Frankie the dog and that garnered us many hilarious and heartfelt moments.  More than once “the look” was exchanged between my sister and me, and all of us laughed ’till our faces ached.

a custom snack bar in their hotel suite :)

They thought the custom snack bar in the hotel suite was awesome :)

We enjoyed Tigers baseball in the garage, sunshine on the patio, and meals in and out. We talked politics and current affairs and updates on family, far and wide.  A familiar pinch was felt as we watched the boys hug Nana, their height dwarfing her by a country mile.   And I’ll never forget how wide her grin was when they did.

Go Tigers!

Go Tigers!

Sister and I had time together in the kitchen, prepping and chatting and singing along to songs like we’d always done.  She can relax with me and let her silly side out, which she did more than once.  Her delighted giggles echo in my head still.

Probably should stick to cooking, not photography!

Probably should stick to cooking, not photography!

It was worth it you know. The cleaning, the prep, our efforts to make it all “just so.”

The boys called me out on that, too, urging me to “just relax, have fun, and don’t worry about stuff so much.”  A funny thing that is, hearing my words coming back to me in their voices.

I took their advice & we had a blast winning on the penny machine!

The grands made themselves known and many, many photos were snapped. Priceless.

Frankie's rexhausted!

Frankie’s rexhausted!

Yes, the visit was deep, the emotions were wide, and the ache I feel will have to last me … till next time.

We cannot destroy kindred:  our chains stretch a little sometimes, but they never break.”  ~Marquise de Sévigné

Mom and her only great grand-Daughter, MJ

Mom and her only great grand-Daughter, MJ

Categories: Faith, Family, Fun, Home, Joy, Mom, Personal, Relationships, Thoughts, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , | 23 Comments

Grow the people

I’ve been thinking a lot about something — something that’s had me troubled since I took the  new job 6 months ago.  Sure, I knew how the department worked, I’d been a key part of it for years. I had a list of what needed tweaking and where changes could be made.

But an area I was least familiar with turned out to be the most important of all.

You see, because the other employees were my colleagues all those years, I really didn’t know what it was like for them.   Now that I was their boss, it was my job to find out. 

Located all around the state, none of us share an office and we rarely see each other. And even though my management style and the previous boss’s are vastly different, I didn’t want to make changes too quickly.

So I started out slowly.  Visiting the team, spending time with them on their turf. Listening.  Bringing forward their ideas, offering encouragement. Bridging the gap between trusted colleague and trusted adviser.

I found myself thinking most about an employee who should have been promoted long ago.

He was doing Manager level work, and had been for years. He wasn’t being paid Manager-level wages.  Oh no, that had never happened, despite the promises made by another.

He didn’t have the right title, although he had all the responsibilities that go with it. Not having the right title meant he often was left off emails sent by other departments.   Not having that information left him at a deficit and unable to perform to the best of his ability.

This wasn’t right.

How to fix it?

I talked with H.R. and my supervisor and slowly but surely,  made it clear that his move up was priority #1.  I kept that move on the forefront of conversations; just enough to have it remembered, not enough to be annoying.

Why?

Because here was someone working hard and not getting ahead for it.

Isn’t that why we go to work?

For the reward? The money? The status?

The more I dug into it, the madder I became.

At the years of indifference.

Years of neglect.

The years of hard work for another’s benefit.

No, not this time.

It was not for nothing.  It was going to be for something.

I am delighted to report he got the promotion he deserved and some more money, too.  He’s a proud man, and his quiet but dignified “Thank you, thank you so very much” was beyond meaningful to me.   We laughed about his email in-box “blowing up” with congratulatory notes, and I took great joy in hearing the joy in him.

Thinking about it further, I came to see that this is why I am in the job.

Not just because I understand the policies and can navigate the systems.  Not just because of my experience and good reputation.

No, that’s not it.

I am here to grow the people.

And in there is growth for me as well.

no point climbing the ladder just to sit there by yourself

no point climbing the ladder just to sit there by yourself

You are not here merely to make a living. You are here in order to enable the world to live more amply, with greater vision, with a finer spirit of hope and achievement. You are here to enrich the world, and you impoverish yourself if you forget the errand.”
― Woodrow Wilson

 Have you ever been in a similar position?  Were you able to fix it?

Categories: Faith, fear, Forgiveness, Growth, Joy, Life, Life Lessons, Men, Quotes, Relationships, Self Discovery, Thoughts, Uncategorized, Women, Work | Tags: , , , , | 24 Comments

Time passages

Looking through some older photos the other day, I came across some older snaps of Frankie the dog:

baby Frankie

baby Frankie

With oldest boy:

Baby Frankie with big brother Boo

Baby Frankie with big brother Boo

and with youngest:

can't. breathe.

can’t. breathe.

Supervising leaf raking as a young gentle-dog:

in younger days, before the grey

in younger days, before the grey

And later, modeling a shrunken woolen sweater in a move known as the Marino-a-No-No.

you guys are ridiots

you guys are ridiots

He’s been a source of hilarity and a source of comfort, too.

See the smile on Frank's face?

See the smile on Frank’s face?

And always, he continues to do what he does best … stay close.

Grill consultant

Grill consultant waiting quietly nearby.

Time passages.

13 years since he came home with us from the pound.

And always, ever faithful.

There is no faith which has never yet been broken, except that of a truly faithful dog.  ~Konrad Lorenz

Categories: Animals, Faith, Family, Friendship, Home, Joy, Life, Quotes, Relationships, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , | 32 Comments

My summer list

Spring’s come late to Michigan; we had snow as recently as two weeks ago. Not surprisingly, everyone around here is thinking ahead to summer.

Asked, “what’s on your summer list?” I found my list rolling off my tongue as though I’d practiced it for days! (maybe some of that’s true).

Lilacs!

they're gonna bloom this week I think!

they’re gonna bloom this week I think!

Leinenkugel’s Summer Shandy with me at the grill.

Summer Shandy... ah

Summer Shandy… ah

Hanging in the pool till I’m wrinkly and white; cherries, watermelon, corn on the cob and fresh summer peas.

100_24051.jpg

Michigan cherries … yum!

Tigers baseball on the radio .. outside; play dates with the grand kids.

100_2916

making cookies with the Grands

Summer gatherings, skirts, kitten heels and date nights … all under the light of a summer moon. 

just like this one

just like this one

Lacy sweet peonies that take me back to Grandma’s garden.

"Sometimes you just have to stop and smell the fleurs" - Frankie the wonder dog

peonies!

Fresh peach cobblers and Texas Sheet cakes, just because.

Summertime means peach cobbler!

Rich chocolate nutty icing poured onto a delectable warm cake? Yes please!

Rich chocolate nutty icing poured onto a delectable warm cake? Yes please!

The squeals of children filling the backyard.

cousins and cousins and more!

cousins and cousins and more!

A contented old dog reminding me to take my time in the sun, too.

100_2527

Frankie has the relaxing part down-pat.

That’s what I long for this summer.

What’s on your summer list? 

Thanks to Jessie for the inspiration!

Categories: Animals, Faith, Family, Food, Fun, Home, Life, Relationships, Seasons | Tags: , , , , , , , | 13 Comments

I saw her

The past two days have been an adventure, to say the least.   After the news in Boston and Texas, it felt good to get out for a road trip on Thursday. Except for the driving rain.  And the flooding. And the difficulty doing simple things … like seeing where I was going!

But, eventually, I drove out of the storms and found myself enjoying the ride — the winding roads, the hills, farms and fields.  Arriving at my destination, I was met by the smiling face of one of my employees.  Our meetings went well, we enjoyed a wonderful lunch in a quaint Northern town and then, off we went again, driving through the rain and the hills and the snow to another city I’ve never visited before.

Wrapping up yesterday, we soon realized that I couldn’t go home the same way I’d came in.  You see, the city I live in has a large river snaking through it and the banks were already compromised; every river north of here is swollen and spilling over.  I decided to reroute and travel south along the Lake Huron shoreline and then make my way West from there.

Lake Huron .. from inside my car, way too cold to get out and stand!

Lake Huron .. from inside my car, way too cold to get out and stand!

Just before a stretch of open road, I noticed something I hadn’t noticed: the gas gauge was low. A lot lower than it should have been for the distance I still had to go.  I took an exit off the highway into an area I’ve never been and, driving along, it seemed to take forever to see any signs of gas stations or … civilization. My nerves kicked in and I felt my hands shaking just a bit.

Oh geez, I thought. Wouldn’t this be just perfect? I muttered.  C’mon gas station where are you? and then a chime-chime-chime of the gas alert.  Oh Lord, here we go.

Coming around a bend in the road, I saw it: a little country stop called, “Gas N Go.”   Let’s hope it’s open. 

I pulled up, filled up, and walked inside to pay.   As I opened the door, here she came: a little (and I mean tiny) old lady in a rain hat and boots, looked me straight in the eye and asked, “Do you know the roads?”

Holding the door, my hair flying in the wind, I replied, “I’m sorry, I don’t. I’m not from around here.”  She put her head down and started to walk away when something made me  ask “Where are you headed?”

Looking up, her bright blue eyes peeking out from under her plastic rain hat, she said, “Well, I’m headed to Belding; you see my sister died and I need to get there.”   I touched her arm lightly and said, “I’m so sorry; you know the roads are bad and it’s flooding and are you sure you should be going?”  Again those blue eyes, “I have to” and off she headed to her truck.

I went inside to pay and felt my emotions get the best of me. That could be my Mom out on a country road. That could be me.

I blurted out my concerns to the clerk: that she shouldn’t be out in this, and couldn’t we do something?  Behind me stood an older man, a farmer-looking kind of man. The kind of man who could have been my Dad or my neighbor growing up.   I heard him clear his throat and put his change on the counter; he stepped ahead of me and went straight to her truck.  In the wind and the driving rain, I saw him pointing forward and telling her road names.

Driving back to the highway, I thought of her. I prayed for her. And yes, I cried for her.

You see, as a girl who lives so far from what’s familiar, there’s much of my life that’s an adventure. But there are also moments like this when I feel the pinch of not living where things are known to me.

Last night, I found myself telling Hubbs about that encounter.  He listened, as he always does, and then said something that resonated with me. “No you couldn’t help her, you didn’t know your way, but you did what you could: you saw her.”

Maybe he’s right. Maybe we’re not meant to solve everyone’s problems. Maybe the best we can do is take a moment and see someone.

Have you had a kindness shown? Pass it on; ‘Twas not given for thee alone, Pass it on; Let it travel down the years, Let it wipe another’s tears, ‘Til in Heaven the deed appears – Pass it on. ~Henry Burton, Pass It On

Categories: Faith, fear, Friendship, Growth, Home, Life, Mom, Personal, Random, Relationships, Thoughts, Travel, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , , , | 21 Comments

Coincidences

I wrote about Boston yesterday. Today I found out about an odd coincidence:

Sheryl, the gal who taught my blogging class so long ago? She’s a runner and ran the Boston, her first time. She and her family are OK and you can visit her blog at: e2dietician.com.

I don’t know why but, somehow, finding this out made me feel better.

Not about what happened.  Not about what people are going through.

About the connections we make that seem so happenstance at the time.

About feeling a little less alone in all this turmoil.

About knowing that there’s a larger plan in place than what I know it to be.

Curved asphalt road

Everyday is a winding road …

“Coincidences are just God’s way of remaining anonymous.”

Have you ever experienced a coincidence that gave you comfort?

related

Categories: Attitude, Faith, fear, Friendship, Gratitude, Life, News, Relationships | Tags: , , , , , , | 8 Comments

Turning down life’s volume

I don’t know about you but most of my days are pretty scheduled.   During the work week, I am up early and out the door on time; I usually work through lunch and conference calls don’t often end until well after the quitting hour.  The funny thing is, I love a schedule. I enjoy the nuances of my work and the fact that some weeks have me traveling one day and in the office the next.    The company I work for is changing, morphing, growing;  keeping a schedule and helping my team know what to expect is critical to our success.

But, when Saturday rolls around, I still arm myself with a big list of things to accomplish.  You know what I mean: clean the closet, organize that stack of medical reports, wash the floor, etc.

I know from where it comes: my parents and Grandparents.  Hard work was expected but good work was praised. Growing up, they didn’t have time to pursue extra interests so what attributes were commented on?  Work ethic. “Oh … he’s a good man, that one, a really hard worker.” Or “Oh that guy, kind of a slacker, be glad you didn’t marry someone like that.”

So there’s a certain genetic marker in me that is programmed to work. To be useful. Effective. Organized.

But also living inside me is the dreamer, the creative one, the one who wants to play.

Some Saturdays you’ll find me going after the house like the White Tornado.

Remember Ajax's "White Tornado?" google images

Remember Ajax’s “White Tornado?” google images

And other Saturdays finding me doing just the opposite.

Today, I did something I don’t often do: I slept ’till I woke. It was 8:08 when my eyes opened … not late, really, but choosing to snooze till my body said “wake” felt like a gift.

I could have slept longer, but I didn’t.

I could have immediately started laundry and put away the dishes and and and.

But I didn’t.

Instead, Frankie and I stood in the doorway to the yard and watched the snow fall.  He sniffed and I sipped and we both smiled at the robins flitting about.

Yes there are things to get done but, more than anything, we’re pushing the off button.

“Quiet is peace. Tranquility. Quiet is turning down the volume knob on life. Silence is pushing the off button. Shutting it down. All of it. – Amir”  – Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner

Are you able to lower the volume on your life?  Do you have that same genetic marker that tells you work-work-work?

Categories: Attitude, Faith, Family, Home, Life, Opinion, Relationships, Self Discovery, Thoughts, Uncategorized | Tags: , , , , , , | 28 Comments

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