I have to do what?

It’s that time again. 

Time for our annual benefits enrollment.   I’m thankful to be employed and that my company offers a pretty generous benefits package (at a manageable price).

But..here’s the thing. To be covered, employees must take a “Health Quotient” questionnaire.

Yep. For a good 45 minutes, I get to tell a nameless server stuff I wouldn’t tell my closest girlfriend, not to mention the Hubbs.

• My weight. Actual weight. Not high school weight.  Crap!
• How many fruits and vegetables I eat every day.  Really. No exaggerating.
• How many times per week do I participate in vigorous exercise. Ha!   That’s funny.
• How many alcoholic beverages do I consume on a weekly basis.  Hilarity ensues!
• What’s my stress level?   It was fine till I heard Christmas music Monday morning (11-1), why do you ask???
• What’s my blood pressure? Triglyceride #?  Resting heartbeat?  HDL? LDL? Sex Life? Stress Level?  Emotional state? Ability to balance a check book? Sleep Patterns?   Snuff chewing habits?
• AUGH!   ENOUGH ALREADY!

I don’t know about you, but this feels invasive to me. 

Like an alien probe without the fantastic light show. Or the E.L.O soundtrack.

Where does this information go? Who reads it? Does my employer review our responses, glance over at my body shape and mutter to himself, “Not a chance in hell she’s doing Zumba 6 days a week for 60 min at a clip…”

Here’s the thing … want to know my health quotient?

Ask me on a Friday afternoon after a 2 hour conference call peppered with 20 minute interludes of “how’s the weather in your neck of the woods, Bob?”  and right before I’ve had a last-minute crisis dropped in my lap, we’re out of coffee and I’m within earshot of a co-worker’s rant.

I’ll tell you: “All things considered .. I’m just fine. I show up. I get the job done. If I get sick, I stay home. If not, here I am. Thanks for asking.”

Sorry but I just don’t think “they” need to know that much about me.  I’m sticking with the script:  I’m 7 feet tall and 126 lbs; my body fat is 7%, I’ve never imbibed in more than 2 drinks at any setting, I exercise at least 8 times a week and I eat at least 12 servings of fruits & vegetables every single day.

 That’s my story and I’m sticking to it!