Most of the time, Hubbs and I communicate pretty well.
He’s a planner, even more so than me. It’s the Virgo in him. You can set your watch to this guy.
He’s the one who taught me to speak up about where I’m going and what I’m up to and what time you can expect me to be somewhere. Being a Gemini, I’d never much considered telling anyone all that. But, as we dated, I seemed to have a knack for frustrating him. If he said “let’s meet at such and such place at this time” he’d be there. Early. Every time. Not so with me. I’d be there, on time, or shortly thereafter. I’d see him look at his watch and sigh and give me the look. Quite honestly, it was annoying.
It took me a few years to understand that when I stopped at the grocery store on my way home from work without saying anything ahead of time, that action caused him anxiety. I thought he was ridiculous. He thought I was uncaring.
It took him explaining the knot he got in his stomach when I wasn’t where he thought I’d be. It took him referencing his brother’s sudden death for me to understand that my actions were actually causing him pain. When I wasn’t where I said I’d be, his first thought, his first instinct, was that I was lost to him … forever.
Geez that’s heavy stuff.
But in the 22 years we’ve known each other, I’ve grown. I’ve learned to communicate proactively, to share my plans because someone else cares to know. I’ve learned that speaking up doesn’t mean surrendering a part of me, it means caring for another, too.
But even after all that, we still have our moments when I think we’re talking two different languages.
I’m all about words, kinda obvious, since I write a blog. 🙂
He’s a quieter guy who doesn’t always want to talk.
I can talk about anything and often do.
He relishes silence.
So the other day when he commented about “having to clean out the dryer lint drawer cause no one else ever does” what I heard was “you’re an inept housekeeper and whatever you do will never be good enough for me.”
That’s not what he said, but that is what I heard.
And that’s when the snarping started.
I understand now what he was really saying: See me.
I understand now what I was really saying: See me.
Later today, I’m heading out to run a few errands. The 9-year-old in me doesn’t want to tell anyone where she’s off to. The woman in me commented on the amazingly clean lint drawer and referenced stops at the dry cleaners and gas station.
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How do you and your loves communicate? Has it changed over time?
“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.”
― C. JoyBell C.
related – Virgo and the Circus