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It’s not the grief, it’s the longing

Six years ago I registered for this blog site – 6 years!  My very first post involved lessons learned from Mom – you can read it here.

Man, I miss her.  She was my “go-to” person on so much but especially politics.  Oh the conversations we’d be having right now!   She’d snort, I’d laugh and the two of us would conspire like school girls.  I remember her whispering to me once that “none of the other kids read like you and I do” – now some siblings do read, a lot. But the way she said it makes me grin because I know she saw herself in me.  I couldn’t be more proud of the similarity.

This is the same woman who gifted me (and my sister) a scandalous book about grey ties. She had no intentions of reading it but told me, “You can handle it.”  I know she did it to scandalize us… and it worked.    The two of us horrified our (grown) kids by leaving it out on end tables.  The looks my  boys shot my way were worth it.  That was her point, to stir things up and to remind us we always have a choice.  God, I love her.

I’m lucky to have had someone so feisty as my role model.  Someone who didn’t let her gender define her. Someone who slung her purse over her shoulder and leaned in as she marched forward, even when she didn’t know the script.  We talked about this often, how as women we do more – we’re expected to  – be more, accomplish more just to earn a seat at the table.  We often talked about “not having the playbook” and her response was always the same, “you’ll figure it out, kid.” And I did.

So I think I’ve finally hit on out why conversations around me  of late have left me bored: It’s the lack of layers. The surface talk. Not having her intelligent interjections to both jar and delight me.

“The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them — words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear.”
― Stephen King

 

What conversations do you miss having?

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Categories: Attitude, Determination, Faith, Family, Grief, Growth, Humor, Joy, Mom, Opinion, Personal, Quotes, Wisdom, Women, Work, Writing | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , | 16 Comments

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16 thoughts on “It’s not the grief, it’s the longing

  1. Women like her are hard to find. My Mom was a lot like that — feisty and plucky. I have a sister-in-law that is also but she’s creeping close to 90. I worry about losing her. With her will go that old time glass ceiling buster — the one without the chip on the shoulder. Also, all the scandalous things that she encourages!

    • I would hope my boys describe me as feisty and plucky! Oldest boy was wrestling with a decision lately and I reminded him who I am and who he comes from – he responded, “Ok Nana!” 😀 MJ

  2. I’m sorry for your grief, and yet envious of the beautiful relationship you two had. I miss conversations I had with my Dad, although, typical to a man of his era, he mostly kept his feelings to himself. That is, until his last few years. Then he was a lot freer with expressing his love for us all. What I particularly appreciated was how intelligent he was, and at the same time so very caring of his patients. He left the planet having touched so many people’s lives.

    • I am cognizant of the fact that not everyone enjoys such a Mom or such a relationship. It makes me treasure her even more.
      Loved how you described your Dad ~ sounds like a wonderful person! MJ

  3. Oh man! I haven’t visited your blog in a long time and this really hit home with me. We are celebrating my moms 80th birthday in December. I think a lot about how much I’m going to miss her which of course makes me love each moment with her even more. Thank you for the reminder

    >

    • Those moments together are priceless, and I treasure my memories. Enjoy your Mom’s bday party and everything in between, too!! MJ

  4. You mom sounds like such an amazing woman full of wisdom. Thanks for sharing your memories with us. I would talk with my late dad, maybe ask him for advice. He was like a mom to me so I miss his opinions and wisdom as well.

    • She was. She was all that and 2 bags of chips! 😉

      I do know what you mean about missing his opinions and wisdom. Someday we’ll all be reunited and what a party it will be! Hugs! MJ

  5. Oh, I love that quote – how true. I’m so sorry for your loss; I know you miss her everyday in a million little ways.

    • I know you know this loss. And I’m OK – I know to expect this. What I was startled by was the longing, the longing for our meandering yet meaty conversations! MJ

  6. Congratulations on 6 years. I look forward to your posts.

  7. I get it. I really do. Almost daily I have a fleeting thought of something I’d like to share with my best friend before I quickly remember she’s not on the other end of a telephone anymore. She’s not able to hang out with me and gab anymore. Sure, there are others to talk with, but it’s just not the same.

    I would have loved to know your mom in person. I am grateful for all that you shared about her here. She was clearly one of those people who knew what life was all about, and shared her spirit with everyone else. When I read the things you write about her, it makes me want to be like her in so many ways.

    • It’s so unfair that your “Chicka” passed away so young. It’s just not the same – truer words were never spoken.

      You would have loved my Mom! She was grand yet modest, hilarious but reserved, well-informed and chatty. She was also brave, tough and determined. So much about her to admire & love! MJ

  8. Congratulations on six years blogging, MJ. I miss sharing all the little things with my mom. To her, they were big things.

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