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When the soul weeps

I still miss her.

Mom.

This July will be 3 years.

She would not want this, she’d chide me, give me sh*t and push me to “get on with it, for Heavens sake.”

She’d even snort once or twice.

She in her cat-eye glasses and pedal pushers.

She.

All 100 lbs of her.

I miss her.

I long for our conversations.

I suppose I always will.

The depth. The breadth. The range.

The absurd, the large, the small, the swing of it all.

I see her face in little old ladies faces at the grocery story, except they don’t carry a red purse or possess the spunk she did.

You know what I miss most?  Our friendship.

How lucky was I?

I know I should just “deal” and be grateful, and I am.

But her name was Gay, and she epitomized the word fierce.

Mom on Buck, an Emjayandthem (C) photo

And I miss her.

 

“The worst type of crying wasn’t the kind everyone could see–the wailing on street corners, the tearing at clothes. No, the worst kind happened when your soul wept and no matter what you did, there was no way to comfort it. A section withered and became a scar on the part of your soul that survived. For people like me and Echo, our souls contained more scar tissue than life.”
Katie McGarry, Pushing the Limits

 

Who are you missing tonight?

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Categories: Beauty, Determination, Family, Grief, Home, Love, Mom, Personal, Quotes, Thoughts | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 20 Comments

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20 thoughts on “When the soul weeps

  1. MJ. the more I understand about grief, relationships, etc. I don’t think you should get over it. That is the place in your soul where you connect to your mom. I don’t even want to say any more right now.I am treading on sacred ground…just know I hear you. DM

    • I don’t mean to infer she’d want me to get over it as much as “get on with living.” She didn’t like being the center of attention and wouldn’t want me to stay in grief too long. I’ll always miss her, and am thankful I have so many stories and memories of her that just make me laugh out loud. Thank you for your kindness and friendship, DM, you’re a gentle caring soul. MJ

  2. A lovely heartwarming tribute to your mother.

  3. So beautifully written. 24 years for me this May since I lost mine, and there are times that it’s still so fresh. We were blessed to have amazing mothers.

  4. Diane Helminiak

    I think one of the hardest days after my mom passed was on her 1st year anniversary of her passing. I was sitting in my office and realized what day it was. I started crying so uncontrollably that I had to leave work and take a sick day. I don’t know if it was the saddest or some guilt that I didn’t remember until I got to work that this was “her day”. Hugs to you my friend.

    • oh Diane, I feel for you. I have done the same and the realization is a punch in the gut – grief and guilt all in one. Hugs back, MJ

  5. Well over 30 years for me and I still occasionally reach for the phone to call her.

  6. Bruce Cotting

    She obviously brought out the very best in you, and missing her is part of this adventure called life. Channelled positively as you do here, it’s an wonderful homage to a life well lived.
    Thank you for sharing:)

  7. Your Mom sounds like a pistol. How very lucky you were. And as for “dealing” and “getting over it,” that’s completely absurd. A person doesn’t get over the death of a parent or someone they love, we learn to live with the loss. It hurts and bring us joyful memories, sometimes all at once. I still miss the conversations I had with my Dad.

    • She was all that and a bag of chips ~ I may not have stated it well, she wouldn’t expect me to get over it as much as she didn’t like being the center of attention and she’d push me to not linger in grief too long. She always said that “life was for living,” and “I’m gonna live till I die.” She was not someone who focused on loss or sadness, and she’d had a lot of it. That was her way of dealing with things.

      I think we all have someone we miss and long for, like you do with your Dad. Peace be with you, MJ

  8. Sweet and sad words. And I’m with mariner2mother…you never “get over it”. When my dad (who was like a mom to me) died, a friend who had lost her mom told me grief is like dropping a pebble in the ocean…at first the waves of sadness and pain of loss are close together, but they do space out over time. But there will always be a wave.

    I just had a vivid dream about my dad last week so this post struck home. He’s been gone over 27 years now and yes, I still miss him and wonder what advice he’d give me and what he would have though of his grand-kids he never met.

    Thinking of you and sending you a cyber hug as you miss your mom. She sounds wonderful!

    • ~ thank you, you’re right about the waves of grief, sometimes they touch your toes and other times the Tsunami sweeps you away.
      I’ll never get over it, you’re right, I’ll just get through it.

      I love that you had that dream about your Dad ~ the night that I wrote this post, I dreamt of her and woke up right at 3:00 looking around for her – I think it was a visit and I loved it.

      Thank you for your hugs, I felt them ~ MJ

  9. awwww….feel for you MJ

    • TY somedays are better than others, the day I wrote this was a darker sadder day. It happens and I just try to roll with it, MJ

  10. “All 100 lbs of her.” I love that line, MJ. I miss my Mom a lot as well, especially not being able to just pick up the phone and hear her voice, find out how she is preparing her chicken for dinner … “Shake ‘n Bake again, Mom?” … I think she kept Kraft Foods in business over the years and I’m sure their stock has plummeted now that she is gone! I recently finished re-scanning all her old pictures again and got to relive all those wonderful memories with her growing up with my brothers. A great post, and hugs to you … Keith

    • Aww thank you, isn’t it wonderful that you have those memories of her foods/recipes and the times with her and your brothers? I am grateful for the same .. but selfishly wish I had more if t! thank you for your kind thoughts, MJ

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