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Posts Tagged With: self-worth
Maybe it happened when you had good news to share: an opportunity to talk about or the scale moving in the direction you wanted it to.
Like me, when those moments happen, you want to share them with others – friends and family – and instead, well instead sometimes you found excitement squelched by * crickets *.
But how much time have you spent dwelling on the approval you never got? May never get?
How many times has the stark silence of someone’s resistance dampened the high fives that rolled in … from others?
For me, it’s happened more than I’d like to admit.
You see, as much as I have tried to grow it up and suck it up and push all that stuff aside, it still irks me when I catch myself doing it. When I realize how much weight I’ve allowed their actions to have.
Is it a control thing? Is it true that when we allow what someone says or does to upset us, we are really just allowing them to control us?
I don’t think that’s it. I think it goes deeper.
I think it goes back to the little child living in each of us. The one who just wants to be heard.
The one who wants to be relevant, charming, witty and smart. Who wants to be valued, admired, celebrated and loved. Who wants to be invited back to the big kids table. Who wants never to be turned away.
I’ve come to realize I might never all the connections I long for but I’ll always have me and that’s a relationship worth cultivating. It’s probably time to snap some strings while I’m at it.
Will you join me?
Whose approval are you waiting for?
* * *
“I know what it’s like. I’ve seen it played out a zillion times. You’re waiting for that magical day when someone makes the connection and recognizes who you really are. Maybe they’ll first catch the sparkle in your eye. Or perhaps they’ll marvel at your insights and the depth of your spirit. Someone who will help you connect the dots, believe in yourself, and make sense of it all. Someone who will understand you, approve of you, and unhesitatingly give you a leg up so that life can pluck your ready, ripened self from the branch of magnificence. Well, I’m here to tell you, your wait is over. That someone, is you.” – Mike Dooley
As a child, springtime found us running alongside ditches gushing with water; my cousins and I loved nothing more than launching our boats and racing to see how far they’d go. Armed with rubber boots and wind-breakers, we’d suffer boot-fulls of icy water and, more than once, we fell in trying to retrieve our crafts from the currents.
Life’s like that, you know. We sail along on our comfortable routes, confident we understand the stream enough to relax into it. Jobs become stale, but we don’t do anything because, well, we have a job. It pays the bills and maybe even a bit more. We don’t complain but secretly, secretly we miss what it feels like to race alongside the current.
And then once, once in a great while, an opportunity arises that makes us think about venturing out onto unfamiliar ground, sticking a toe in the water, and we wonder if we can even make it to the other side.
We have a choice: go with what we know or go for it.
I went for it.
A company restructuring occurred and I launched my boat into the churning waters of corporate mayhem. It was stressful yet invigorating beyond description. I’ve had many meetings with many people, gulped down my shyness, talked up past accomplishments and then had to do something I’m not used to doing … I had to sell it. I had to make sure they knew how much I wanted it and how appointing anyone but me would be a mistake.
But I did it and, after many weeks, I got it: I got the job I’ve worked years to get and Monday … I start. And, on top of that, I’ll still do my old job until I find a replacement. Still, I’m ready to take on what wasn’t done, learn what I don’t know, and navigate the new structure.
And then yesterday something hit me, something I hadn’t had time to consider: in my new role, I’m going to be in front of a lot of more people. Important people: Legislators, Department Heads, Vice Presidents. I need new clothes and this is a girl who hates to shop. Exercising and eating better changed my shape; that old stuff no longer fits. And it isn’t just that the old wardrobe doesn’t fit my hips or my waist, it’s that they don’t fit me. They fit who I was, but not who I am today.
Now, I have a voice and an opportunity to use it. I will be swathed in some new duds, in colors and styles that fit and flatter and my intention is to carry myself in a way that says, “If you don’t like being a doormat then get off the floor.“*
* * * *
How ’bout you? Thought about launching your ship lately? What’s stopping you?
I have to give a special shout-out to the Hubbs (who will never read this but I’ll be sure to tell him): Over the course of all these weeks, we shared many late night chats, lots of “what-ifs” and a heckuva lotta “you deserve this, go for it.”
You were right and I couldn’t have done it without you.
..:: XO ::..
*doormat quote belongs to Amelia Earhart
I heard some powerful words last night that I just had to share with you:
“Whatever follows ‘I am’ is going to come looking for you.” – Joel Osteen
Think about that, think about the words you tell yourself:
I am … tired.
I am … lonely.
I am … frustrated.
I am … unhappy with my body.
Now change those words:
I am excited about my future.
I am worthy of love.
I am capable.
I am beautiful.
Remember … your life is how you see it. What do you see?
Events of late have left me sad because someone precious to me is hurting. It’s excruciating and nearly debilitating to witness.
I witnessed the pain in his eyes as he cried before us, saying he didn’t know how to go on. That he doesn’t know what to do next or how to live his life without her in it.
I watched as pain’s shadow darkened his beautiful face and prayed for insightful words to make it all better.
I don’t know what to do, except to listen.
I don’t know what to say, except to comfort.
I don’t know.
I can’t cry any more.
Actually, yes I can (just did).
This life.. it’s all we have.
Why spend it miserable? Why?
I can’t help but flashback to myself – a young woman in a miserable marriage with a mean spirited person who’d rather put me down than pull me up, for whom no effort was ever enough, for whom I’d never be enough, have enough or do enough. I remember thinking to myself one night – and I do honestly believe it was the Voice of Spirit reassuring me – “I’d rather be lonely and struggling than be with this person one minute longer.” And once I heard that – and believed it in my heart that I would be OK – that was it for me. It took time, but, methodically, I put a plan in place and I did it. I got us out. We didn’t have much – my job, a barely running car and an apartment partially filled with garage sale furniture and used books. But .. we had each other, my beautiful 3 year old boy and me. And it was more than enough because finally … we had peace.
Back to today – He hasn’t t asked our permission; he only asked that we listen. And so we have. But it is so hard to just listen. It’s our nature to comment, to comfort, and to guide. Hands off? Suck it up? Get over it? That’s not how we roll.
But it’s not about us.
Or what we’d tolerate, condone or accept in a relationship.
And so .. we listen. We comfort. We answer questions. And when he’s not looking, I cry .. and together, we wait it out.
But between you and me … I want to saddle up my trusty steed, arm myself with everything I’ve got and head into battle, guns drawn, and fire bombs a-blazing!! Truth be told — I want to right the wrongs and confront anyone who’d ever hurt my boy.
But … I can’t.
I’m in “time out.”
It’s not for me to fix and that kills me.
And so we sit… and we trust that, somewhere along the way, what we’ve taught him about self-worth, happiness, peace of mind, mutual respect and mature love .. bubbles up and washes over him, giving him the strength he needs to get through this and go on.